Tonight, I would like a husband, or maybe just a very committed boyfriend.
The reason I would like such a man is because, once again, it is time to clean out my shower drain.
Cleaning the shower drain is my single most un-favorite domestic duty. I have to get out my special tweezers, send them down the little holes in my drain, so I can pluck out the soapy rat that is clogging things up. It is very, very disgusting, and every time I have to clean out my drain, I think, “Maybe one day there will be a special someone who would do this for me as an act of total love.”
(I, of course, would do very nice things for him, too. Perhaps bake cinnamon rolls in the morning or possibly even do his ironing. I dislike ironing quite intensely, but that seems like a fair trade for cleaning out my soapy-rat-that-used-to-be-my-beautiful-hair, which is now making me take a shower with 6 inches of water at my feet.)
Now, just in case I get misquoted, I don’t want a man just for the purpose of cleaning out my shower drain. There are several others reasons for wanting a man. They include, but are not limited to:
1. Staying up late and reading aloud C.S. Lewis. (Perhaps followed by pillow-talk.)
2. Traveling across Canada by train until we get to P.E.I. (Home of Anne Shirley, of course.)
3. Waltzing in the rain, or the sun or the snow for that matter. Any climate works. Just a man who generally enjoys twirling in the outdoors.
4. This one is not a necessity, but I would also like to request a significant other who knows how to emotionally invest in football games. I want to stay up late on Sunday nights watching the Mike Holmgren Show (or Sports Center if we are rich enough to afford ESPN) while we obsess about the highlight reel.
5. Someone to fly with. I really hate flying, particularly because right now I always fly alone. Since I usually fly Southwest, I can manage my anxiety by picking a seat next to the most peaceful looking people I can find. Because I have an overactive, paranoid imagination, I reason to myself, “If the plane went down, who seems like they would have a calming presence in catastrophe?” Once I find the right person to fly with on a regular basis, I won’t have to go through this mental rigmarole.
Well, I think those are five very good reasons for me to get married. So, for those of you out there (you know who you are) who are supposed to be praying for the Gilbert Blythe of my life, I think my 27th year is a good year to start ordering. ☺
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Just to clarify before I place an order for you: does this man need to be straight? Because after reading your list I think it might be easier to find a gay man who fits that description...in my experience men who twirl are usually gay.
(This is why I have a Gay Boyfriend. He likes to shop and cook and get pedicures with me. He's PERFECT.)
Yah, even my Gay Boyfriend won't twirl with me in public....
(You raise a good point though as I review my list. What am I going to do?)
Haha, great post! I don't know if I've seen such pining from you in quite a while. If it's any consolation, I would gladly clean your drain if cinnamon rolls were involved =)
Nick, you are great. Just great.
I think we can work out a deal.
Though, it is sort of a bummer for you, as in the past I have given you free cinnamon rolls with no duties attached.
In the meantime, I like to imagine that things in drains have been thoroughly sterilized by the gallons and gallons of hot and soapy water that have been pouring over them, washing them pure and clean of any and all gross matter.
But mind games can really only take you so far.
So, I think your proposed solution is of much higher caliber.
Uhoh, does that mean I'm already indebted to you?
Well now, Nick, I hadn't thought of that....
:)
Post a Comment